Interestingly in today’s world it seems that Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ) has come to be considered to be on a par with, or indeed to some even more important, than IQ (intelligence quotient).
This is an understandable idea as those with high EQ will relate better to others, are more approachable, tend to be open-minded and are therefore easier to work with, make friends with and get along with and this applies equally to both work and personal environments. So EQ is the new IQ.
Recent studies have shown that those with high EQ scores tend to be more self-confident, likeable and, interestingly, trustworthy than those with low scores. This means that they make better leaders, friends, parents and employees.
For an employer this equals a member of staff who is more productive and likely to succeed at the role they are allocated, so much so that many companies now apply EQ tests prior to a job offer whilst others have developed or use EQ training programs.
For family and friends it means a fuller, calmer, more satisfying and stable relationship is possible and therefore enhance the life not only of those with high EQ but also those around them.
It is clear, therefore, it is to your benefit to increase your Emotional Intelligence so how do we go about doing that?
Here are 5 steps for you to incorporate into your life both at work and at home.
1. Become aware of and tune into your own emotions.
Perhaps the most important step of all is to become more self aware and to develop the ability to tune into your own emotions.
Questions you can ask yourself to start to engage with your own emotions are;
What has made me feel this way? When I feel happy what is going on in my life? When I feel sad what has created this feeling? Why am I so angry, is it reasonable? Is the way I’m feeling justified? Why did I just react like that?
In order to control your emotions you must become aware of them. Start asking questions of yourself, be curious about your personality and who you are. The ideas for becoming self aware include: monitoring your emotions by acknowledging them, examining them, and then assessing your triggers and activation points. Start looking at how you can change these emotions and how you impact them. A great way to do this is journaling, and practicing mindfulness is also an excellent way to move towards having high EQ. The end result of being aware of your own emotions is not only a deeper understanding of yourself but that you are better able to understand and be aware of the emotions of others.
2. Seek to understand the point of view of others. The mainstream media seem to encourage an ‘either or’ mentality without full discussion or any attempt to understand the others point of view, they actively encourage their readers/watchers to follow their viewpoint faithfully. There is no balance. This can easily be replicated in the workplace and home. This leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, there is always a middle ground, there is always a discussion to be had and there is always something that you don’t know. Clearly this applies in every part of our lives.
That angry person that was just rude to you…. Maybe they have just lost their job. Maybe they are deeply troubled and hurt and just need to vent. So it’s not reasonable to behave that way but does it mean you have to react like that back? The answer is clearly no. The best reaction is to take a breath and ask yourself ‘what is happening in their lives to make them react that way?’ Or just say to yourself ‘that reaction is about them and does not reflect on me’. If you are feeling emotionally strong you might want to take it a step further and ask yourself ‘How can I help them?.
I must say at this point that it is important to know that having a high emotional EI does not mean to have to run about trying to save people. It does mean, however, that you react with thought and care and don’t make their situation worse. So by taking a second to run those questions through your mind you’ve just changed the course of that event by not overreacting and being rude back. Bravo. A big tick to your EI.
Once you start to dig into your own reactions you will see there is always an understanding somewhere that we can all walk towards, we do not have to stand on one side or another, or indeed stomp on each other’s feelings. We do not need to react in the same manner that we are treated. We have the power to change the course of our lives by changing our reactions.
Such a simple statement ‘We have the power to change the course of our lives by changing our reactions’ but so very powerful when applied mindfully in our lives. We see this or simpler phrases all over social media and they may just cause us to pause but to really live this we need to do some work.
So, listen attentively, put yourself in another's place and try to imagine what they are thinking and feeling and how they may have arrived at their conclusions or actions. You will not only have a broader viewpoint yourself, you will be stretching your own perspective. You may still continue on the original path but you will have done it without conflict and with better relationships on both sides.
3. Learn to Communicate Effectively. We often arrive into adulthood, for many reasons, without having fully learned effective communication. To communicate effectively requires both verbal and non-verbal skills because good communication is much more than a simple exchange of information.
It’s also about understanding emotions, which is why texts and short messages often get misinterpreted because there may be no indication of the emotions behind the short communication, the intentions behind the information is not exchanged and is therefore open to mis-interpretation.
It has to be a much more mutual back and forth that includes conveying a message in the way it is intended and, in turn, it is our responsibility to make sure it is also received as intended. Hence how important emoji’s have become in communicating with each other in these present times when the shorter you can make the message the better. How many times a day do you add a smile emoji to soften your communication?
Before you press send or open your mouth to speak make sure you know what you want to say, how you want to say it and have considered how it will be received by the other person. Non verbal skills include engaged listening, making eye contact, being aware of body language (not standing too close, gestures, facial expressions, etc.) and we are indeed increasingly becoming good at conveying our emotions with emojis - a modern day form of hieroglyphs as the emoji bank grows. However for work emoji’s are not always appropriate and careful consideration of the content of what you send is required. Ideally we should be focusing on our own intelligent communication and not replying on them.
4. Build and develop connections with people. Learning to develop good, appropriate connections with others is a huge component of Emotional Intelligence and no matter how shy or introverted you feel you can find a way forward. In fact, being shy can be an advantage as you are likely to be a better listener. The first step is to learn to listen well. We spend a great deal of our conversations thinking about what we want to say instead of truly hearing the other person, so first of all start by listening fully, showing interest and making other people comfortable. How many times have you been asked a question only to have the asker remove their attention from you when you begin to answer leaving you feeling small and probably a bit stupid, suddenly realising that they aren’t actually interested in you. That’s not about you being uninteresting, that’s about them not having EI - don’t be like that. See how it feels when people do it to you and ensure you don’t do the same to others.
Indeed sometimes the more gregarious amongst us find slowing down and truly engaging with others rather than putting on a show is as difficult as a shy person taking their eyes off their feet and onto the face of the person they are talking too. Everyone struggles with connections; be the one who moves towards it first.
5. Practice emotional management. So you’ve been studying your own emotions and starting to tune in to those of others and have started your journey to deeping your own EQ. Once you are more aware of both your own emotions and those of others, now is the time to look at and start to understand how to keep them balanced. Balance is the key for good EI. We therefore need some strategies to help us practice emotional management, here are some for you to practice;
Pause and take time to process and understand what is transpiring
Remember simply taking a breath before reacting can win the day
Divert your attention until you are more composed - going for a walk, exercising, playing with a pet, breathing deeply, looking out of the window are all good ways to do this.
Re-framing the experience, i.e. exploring a new, broader way of looking at the issue. Keep asking those questions; Did they really mean that? How do you think they really meant for it to come across? What is happening in their life? How can you improve next time?
Always try to see and understand the big picture which will help you determine the appropriate reaction and what emotions are correct in your response to the situation.
Take a mindfulness course, meditate, exercise, walk, engage with the world. All these things will help you become a more rounded person with a high capacity to practice EI and build up to a level where the people around you start to change the way they react to you. You will know however that it was you that started that process.
Creating higher EI will not only enhance your opportunities for success in the workplace, it will greatly benefit you in your personal and professional relationships and importantly in your relationship with yourself.
Comments